Read One
I called it independence
For years I could not accept help. Someone offering to carry something, pay for dinner, drive me somewhere. I had a reflex answer ready before the sentence was finished, and the answer was always no.
I told myself it was independence. I was proud of it, actually. I thought needing nobody was a strength I had built.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to see it for what it was. If I never accepted anything, I never owed anything. If I never owed anything, nobody could ever hold it over me. I wasn't independent. I was collateralising every relationship I had against a debt I was terrified of carrying.
And the cost was not what I expected. It was that I never let anyone feel useful to me. Which is one of the main ways people love each other, and I had quietly closed it off in every direction.
I'm still not good at this. But I notice the reflex now, and sometimes I let the sentence finish before I answer.
When someone last offered you something, what did you say, and what were you protecting?
This week: Say yes to one thing you'd normally decline. Notice what happens in your body.
Until our next date,
Sophie